10 parenting tips for surviving a divorce
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by: Dr.NoelSwanson.
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Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part.
Whichever way you look at it, divorce means something went wrong. Two people who, for all the right or wrong reasons, had pledged themselves to stick together to provide a secure family base for their children, are now splitting up. It didn't work out the way it was supposed to.
Divorce has dark connotations because it affirms that something went wrong.
But, if it has happened or is going to happen, it is best to look ahead and not dwell on the past and dig old wounds. It will only make life more difficult, whereas you need all the positive energy to move on in life and make the best of a bad situation.
No one WANTS to get divorced. But if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen, then lets at least limit the fallout as much as we can.
Here are some tips on how to reduce the impact of divorce on the kids:
1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.
If your relationship is struggling, for whatever reason, be honest about it and seek some help - either for yourself, or jointly as a couple. Do whatever it takes to re-kindle the love you once had.
This does not imply that you should continue in an abusive relationship 'only for the sake of the children.' If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of it the better for all who are affected by it.
2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.
3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.
4. While it is important to be pleasant, it is not necessary to take the entire blame on yourself and make excuses for the other parent. As I have said earlier, the important thing is to be honest. If the other parent doesn't turn up at the promised time, your child will feel hurt and perplexed. At this time, you need to attend to her rather than give justifications for his unreliable behavior. Above all, don't let the child feel that it is her fault that he behaves the way he does or that you separated in the first place.
5. Another very important aspect is to encourage your children to keep in touch with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. Encourage visits, phone calls and letters. Let your child get the love and attention of both parents despite your feelings.
6. However, be very careful that you don't start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other.
7. If the other parent really is harmful or abusive to the children, then do everything in your power to protect them. But make sure this is not just your own pain, guilt or jealousy speaking!
8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotionally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.
9. Be sensitive about introducing new boyfriends/ girlfriends into the home. Children will harbor, for a long time, a fantasy that their parents will get back together. Bringing a new lover into the home dashes those hopes and will often result in an angry backlash from them. Understand where they are coming from and take it all slowly.
10. Finally, take control of your life. Don't dwell on old wounds. Think positive and live in the present. Try to make the future happy. You will come out stronger from the experience and you will give your children hope about human relationships, or they might fall into similar situations when they grow up.
Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't live together, then you children can do very well.
Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very best parent that you can be.
About the Author
To get more parenting advice by Dr. Noel Swanson, why not check out his parenting advice website and get his free newsletter?
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