3 Habits That Block Effective Communication With Those You Love
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by: JohnMReisinger
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Word Count: 515
The strategies we attempt to use for effective communication are filtered through our habits. Take a look at the arguments and frustrations you experience everyday. For most of us, 98% of them habitually breakdown in the same places. The breakdown points are intersections of a perceived outside trigger and our unconscious habits to react the way we do (visualize the co-worker who annoys you, your spouse's embarrassing behaviors, and the constant complaining of your children for a clearer picture).
Most people never examine their habits when they're trying to resolve conflicts, triggered into frustration, or become upset over innocent comments. Our habits tend to run us, like we're on automatic pilot just reacting to whatever turbulence we encounter. Still worse, unexamined habits prevent effective communication because we unintentionally inflame them by using strategies not coherent with our habits. I call this Communication Frustration because that's often the result for everyone involved when the following 3 habits take over our conversations.
Habit #1 - Moralistic Judgments
Wrongness or badness are the focal points of this habit. The target is anyone who doesn't act according to what we value and desire. Habitual moralistic judging uses language like "That's rude","They're conceited", "She's a good person", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's stupid", "It's inappropriate", "I'm right", "You're wrong", "They're bad people", Other ways of making judgements include placing blame, ethnic slangs, name calling, labels, criticisms, and analyzing. Moralistic judgement is very concerned with who IS what by labeling people based on what they do and say.
Habit #2 - The Habit of Making Comparisons
This habit is used to imply that you or someone else is irreparably lacking or deficient in some manner. The habit of comparisons includes language such as "She's not so great", "He doesn't deserve", "You're better than", "They just don't get it", "It's not fair", "She always", "I can't do it like", "Let me be devil's advocate". The focus of making comparisons is always about rationalizing. Who deserves what based on what we'd like to have happen or didn't happen to us and those we care about.
Habit #3 - The Habit of Denying Personal Responsibility
This habit uses vague and obscure language to deny responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The habit of denying personal responsibility includes language such as "I have to", "I need to", "You make me feel", "It's not my fault", "I was told to", "I couldn't help it", "You know I don't". The focus of denying responsibility is always about assuming there's a lack of choices or shifting it to a cause seemingly beyond our control.
It's not a matter of if we do these things, but the degree to which we all do them. How are these habits showing up in your life? Are you comparing and manipulating to get your spouse, children, and co-workers to do what you want? Are you denying responsibility for your thoughts and feelings? Are you making others responsible for your actions and commitments? Are you using company policies, rules, and management to deny responsibility? Remember you're not broken, but your strategies may be.
About the Author
Need help identifying your habits? John Reisinger can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations with those you love and work with and enjoy Remarkable Living.
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