What Can I Do To Help My Son Get Over His Extreme Shyness?
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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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Q. "I have a 7-year old son who is so shy he will hardly talk to anyone outside of our family. How can I help him?"
A. Some children are naturally slower than others to warm to people. Still, they can usually learn to overcome their fears and become less anxious. You have to take one step at a time, starting from where they are, and building on each success.
Find activities which he can enjoy and succeed in. The more he sees himself as being good at things, the more confidence he will have - and also the more he will have to talk about. If these activities involve other people all the better. Don't force him to go, but don't let him off the hook too easily either. Many kids refuse to go to things even when they know they will love it when they get there!
Deliberately set up some social situations as learning experiences for him. Start with easy ones and then build up. For example, going to the movies with a friend is dead easy - they sit in the dark and don't have to talk to each other at all! Yet they can have fun together.
Structure some activities for him that involve a few other people. Each time he gains a little confidence, plan another that is slightly more difficult. Plan these events knowing that he will do well, and then stop while it's still fun. This will make everyone want to do it again.
Make the social situations revolve around things he likes to do. For example if he enjoys computer games, invite a friend over. Start with one and the next time invite two or three. The kids will like talking about and playing the games together.
If you visit adults, you can start the ball rolling by talking about his latest computer game. Let him correct you, or maybe supply some details of a particular level. You might cue the adults ahead of time as to things to ask him.
If he won't respond, don't make excuses for him and never force him to talk. Let him talk, or not talk, as he chooses, and then live with the consequences of his choice. However, you will have more success in getting him to talk if you draw him into conversations with open ended questions such as "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion in the first place?". Avoid putting him on the spot with closed questions that demand a one word answer, or that are about subjects he dislikes or finds difficult.
Gradually, your son will develop confidence in talking and being with people. He will then be able to take more risks by talking about less familiar subjects. In short - if talking becomes fun, he will do more of it. It it is difficult or embarrassing he will do less.
Finally, don't call him "shy". The more he hears you say this, the more convinced he will be that that is just how he is and that he cannot change. In time he might even use this as an excuse: "I can't do that - I'm too shy!" Instead, emphasise his positive qualities - his gentleness, kindness, politeness etc.
It may all take some time, but if you keep it all positive and affirming, he should get there.
About the Author
More information on children's behavioral problems is available from Dr. Noel Swanson's website, which is all about correcting Child Behavior Problems.
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