Advice for divorced parents making summertime access arrangements
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by: HowardMacKinnon
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If you have not yet done so, it is time to take out your calendar and think about the time your children will get to spend with you and your ex spouse this summer. For most of the year school and work make it more practical for kids to spend the majority of their time with one parent and only see the other on weekends and the occasional week day evenings. But now that summer is coming around school lets out, work gives way to at least a few weeks vacation, and longer daylight hours mean there are more opportunities for the so-called "access" parent to spend significant extra time with the children. Here is some advice to help you figure out your summer access schedule.
Things change: people, circumstances, whatever. So even if there are strict rules about what access should look like over the summer months, avoid the temptation to let a separation agreement or court order assume the role of parent. Consider what may have changed since that agreement or order was signed and take a fresh look at it to see if it really does continue to be the best thing for the kids. Children are best served by parents who strive to make access arrangements work than by parents who blithely follow formulas and schedules that may now be out of date.
You probably know by now that, as long as you and your ex agree, you may change the terms of access set out in a court order or separation agreement. Of course, the order or agreement would remain in force in case there is no agreement but it is not meant to tie your hands and prevent you from making new arrangements that better fits the needs and circumstances of your children as they get older. If you do make a change to the access arrangement is a good idea to write a doubt that for both you and your ex to sign it. This helps to avoid any misunderstandings.
The kids may have their own agenda which is different from Mom's and Dad's. It is important for the kids to spend extra time with their access parent and that should be encouraged by both parents. But it also very important that the kids be allowed to be kids. If everyone works together there should be time for Mom and for Dad and for camp, baseball, soccer, etc. Maybe it isn't possible to fit everything in so try to prioritize and to overlap things where possible. For example, maybe it can be the access parent who gets the kids ready for camp, sees them off and welcomes them on their return.
There are lots of special events and activities during the summer. Some of them might be just routine birthdays but others may be special family get-togethers, picnics, or special trips. It is important to consider the best interests of the children first and foremost when any of these events or activities conflict with each other. If conflicting events occur each summer than perhaps the children can participate with one parent this summer and the other parents next summer. If the events are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities than it would usually be wise for the other parent to give way and not force the children to miss out.
If the access parent is going to get extra time with the children over the summer he or she should be prepared to make the most of this time together. This might mean not only making the children your priority but making sure that they see that this is what you are doing. Perhaps turning off your cell phone, spending less time with your other friends or work for computer might be a good way to send this message to your kids and let them know how important they are to you. As for the activities you engage in with your kids, the younger they are the more they will be happy just to be involved in whatever you are doing. As they get older it will be you that needs to find ways to involve yourself in their activities, even if it is just to show an interest when they get home.
The most important thing to remember is that the children are best served by parents who are flexible and willing to cooperate with each other rather than those who are confrontational and rigid. Whether or not parents had separated they still need to negotiate with each other and make compromises when planning summer activities with the children. Close relationships can be maintained best when everyone's needs and interests are respected.
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Visit the author's site at Divorce Canada for more useful advice about divorce The site also has hundreds of pages packed with helpful suggestions.
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